Valleys Exist in Marriage and Relationships
Lately, I have noticed that couples are striving to attain joy in the relationships that we see online: loving gestures, romance and affection, vacations, and endless smiles and laughter. Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy seeing blissful love and I, too, like and comment on the pictures, admiring and congratulating their happiness. The downside of social media couple admiration seems to be that relationship tolerance and endurance have decreased and/or people are committing to unhealthy relationships to portray happiness.
Despite the mantra of social media opposers, this is not entirely due to people being followers or competing with what they see on social media. Research has proven that when we see content that makes us feel good (happy couples), endorphins are released, which lead to happy feelings. Therefore, we tend to desire what is conveyed on social media to experience those same happy feelings in our own lives. Unfortunately, the reality is that there are many times in real life when relationships do not mimic social media content. When there is a lack of pleasurable hormones being released while interacting in relationships, people tend to feel that their relationships are doomed. Accepting the reality that relationships are sometimes unpleasurable is essential to the continuation of relationships.
My husband and I will be married 14 years this year. We have enjoyed life and marriage for the most part, but I would be remiss to not acknowledge that there have been and will continue to be times where we did not like each other. Communication became difficult and romance became distant. These are the times that I refer to as valleys. I call them valleys because it feels like a low point in the relationship in comparison to the high/happy times. You may recognize your valley by feeling unhappy in your relationship, fear that the relationship is failing, having trouble communicating and working through conflict, and a lack of desire for intimacy. People have the preconceived idea that you must be happy at all times in a relationship and if not, you should walk away. Why didn’t I? Because I made a conscious decision to work on my marriage and work through our issues everyday in those valleys…because I saw that he was doing the same. Due to our mutual commitment, I knew that we had what it would take to make it back up the mountain.
Couples often ask, “How do we know when the relationship is over?” The answer honestly varies from couple to couple. Here are some questions that I ask couples and individuals to help them assess whether or not they continue a relationship.
Are you safe?- Safety should be non negotiable in any relationship. Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse are toxic to relationships.
Do your beliefs, morals, values, and goals align?- These are the foundational components of a relationship. Relationships that are not in alignment are difficult to maintain.
Are both parties committed to individual growth and change?-You have to go into repair mode with the belief that there are personal improvements necessary. If you feel that your partner needs to change to make it work, you are in it for the wrong reason.
Does the good outweigh the bad?- Do not stay in the relationship for the potential or for the good that you once saw. Maya Angelou said when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
If couples can answer “yes” to these questions, I encourage them to work together through the valleys to find their way back up the mountain. I won’t minimize the difficulty of the climb; it takes commitment and persistence. When both partners are willing and loyal, couples are able to improve communication, increase affection and romance, build empathy, and increase tolerance as long as the foundation is strong.
The Mountain Climb
These are some of the tools that I have found to be essential in helping couples make it out of the valley. They have been effective in helping couples to heal and grow.
Individual and couples counseling
Assessment of relationship needs
Honesty and accountability
Behavior changes
Seeking outside advice and guidance from trusted resources
Intentional romance
I must also acknowledge that there are times when couples can not answer “yes" to the questions above. That assessment usually creates clarity. The truth is, not all relationships are made to last. This blog is in no way meant to support toxic, dangerous, and unhealthy relationships and marriages. Also, It takes two to tango, so if either partner is unwilling to do the work, attempting to repair the relationship is like a hamster running on its wheel; the relationship will go nowhere.
However, this blog is to encourage relationships that are healthy and have a strong foundation. If you are struggling in your healthy relationship, recognize the valley and work to reach the mountain top. Do not compare yourself to social media and other couples, and do not give up. Relationships and marriages are not easy, despite what is portrayed by the media. If you have been unable to climb out of the valley yourselves, it can be advantageous to seek help from a mental health provider, such as myself.
With Elite love,
Phyllis
