Appropriate In-Law Boundaries
“Keep Calm and Love Your Mother In-Law but Set Boundaries and Limitations Before You Get Married”
Mother In-Law Faceoff
The mother in-law/spouse battle seems cliché, right? After all, you love your partner’s mother and feel like she is already a part of your family, and I’m sure she feels the same. Well watch out! Marrying your partner may open the door to unforeseen issues with your new mom.
Background
Even after getting married, my husband and my mother got along very well. They considered each other as mother and son and built a relationship of their own outside of me. My mom would call to check on him and he was always willing to help her when she needed. Everything between them was great until my first pregnancy. They argued over what was best for me and the baby constantly. Eventually, my husband put his foot down and told my mom that it was now his job to take care of me and our new baby. I believe that may have been the moment my mom realized that it was safe for her to let me go. She found comfort in knowing that he had us.
The Reasoning Behind It All
While your future mother in-law knows that you hold a special place in your partner’s heart, it is not until the wedding that she feels replaced. The mother unconsciously begins to blame her feelings of rejection on you. This can be especially true in the mother-son relationship, as that bond is different from the mother daughter relationship. “In fact, mothers have beenfound to have the DNA of their sons forever “stored” in their brains, hearts, and other organs” (Craig).
Tips for Setting Boundaries
Think of you and your partner as the homeowners and your in-laws as your neighbors. You need a good privacy fence to keep your neighbors at a healthy distance.
Decide on appropriate boundaries with your partner. Discuss those boundaries with your own parents. If an issue arises, each partner should have that conversation with their own parent. Do not make your partner the messenger or the enemy.
Control the narrative of your relationship. Your parents may be your best friends, but remember, in the case of your relationship, they are your neighbors. You wouldn’t tell everything to your neighbor, right?
Decide as a couple on the roles you would like your parents to have in your relationship and as grandparents.
Your new loyalty is to your marriage. There should not be any divided loyalties between either you or your partner and parents.
Healthy In-Law Relationship
“True oneness in marriage can not be experienced if you allow in-laws to penetrate the circle. If necessary let them become out-laws. It is crucial that you establish boundaries”
― DeBorrah K. Ogans, How Do I Love Thee: Food for Thought Before You Say "I DO"
With Elite Love,
Phyllis
