Improve Your Apology

Apologize Empathetically

I experience many people in my practice and personal life who have struggled with having their apologies heard by those they are in relationships with. More often than not, when I explore why the apologies are ineffective, it is because the apology is focused on the apologizer instead of the victim. And yes. I use the word victim because that is the word that describes the person who has been hurt by your behavior and/or words. 

Through my exploration, what I usually find is that the apologizer usually fails to use empathetic statements in their apologies. What does that mean? They fail to validate the emotions of the person that they have wronged. Here is an example of how the apology goes: “I’m sorry that I_________. I was wrong. I was just trying to _________. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I hope you can forgive me.” Notice that the subject of the apology was the wrongdoer and not the victim. When the wrongdoer does not validate the victim’s emotions, the victim feels unheard, unseen, and unvalued. This usually causes the victim to continue to seek validation, sometimes resorting to unhealthy methods. They may also want to have frequent conversations about the issue, which may seem like nagging to the person who is the wrongdoer; however the victim is continuing to talk about the issue because they do not feel validated in their emotions. 

If you are reading this then you are either the wrongdoer or the victim and the chances are that you are having trouble figuring out what the victim needs or figuring out what you need for yourself. So how do you empathetically apologize? The first step to this is to listen to the victim completely. When I say this, I mean to seek to understand and not to respond. After listening completely to the victim, validate their emotions by using words like “I understand”,  “That must be tough”,  “I can't imagine”,  “I'm sorry that you”. After validating  their emotions and checking in with the victim to see that you have an appropriate understanding of what their concerns are, then offer a solution. Remember that the solution must be mutually satisfying. 

These are the steps: 

1. repeat what you think you heard

2. validate emotions by using empathetic language 

3. apologize

4. offer a solution

5. check in for feedback

For example: “It sounds like you feel like I don’t care about the cleanliness of the house when I don’t take out the trash. You work hard to keep the house clean and I understand that my behavior seems disrespectful to your efforts. I apologize. To remind me, do you mind pushing the trash can by the front door so that I’ll see it when I set the alarm at night and remember to take it out?” 

Last but not least, let go of your ego. If you are wrong, you’re wrong, and the best way to move forward is to empathetically apologize. Follow these steps and leave a comment to let me know if this method has made a difference in your relationship. Also remember, an apology without a change in behavior is manipulative, so don’t apologize unless you mean it.

With Elite love,
Phyllis