Learning to Draw the Line: A Guide to Setting Personal Boundaries

3 minute read

The word “boundaries” is a hot topic trending the internet, so now people are questioning what boundaries are and how to set them without being selfish. In a society where giving of oneself unselfishly is admirable, learning to establish limits can feel uncomfortable, but they are necessary. Boundaries serve as a means of protecting one's physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. 

Don’t get me wrong; it is commendable to go above and beyond for people you care about and to be aware of other’s emotions. However, do you ever extend yourself to the point that you feel anxious, confused, or emotionally drained? My therapist once told me, “Phyllis, stop setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm.” I have learned to recognize those uncomfortable feelings as my intuition telling me that boundaries need to be set. Usually our bodies tell us when boundaries are necessary; however, we don’t listen and sacrifice our wellbeing to appease others. 

Boundaries are clear and explicit rules and limits that establish how you expect to be treated. It is important to teach people how to treat you in order to have healthy functioning relationships. The first step in setting boundaries is to establish limits by deciding what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in your relationships. The second step is to be consistent and establish a plan in case your boundaries are violated. Assertively communicate your feelings, expectations, and consequences. This can sound like, “When you criticize my parenting, it makes me feel inadequate. Please do not make critical comments about my parenting decisions. If you continue, I will not discuss the kids with you.” Notice that this statement is polite but direct. Remember, consistency is key and it is okay to practice stating your boundaries until you feel comfortable. 

If you are feeling confused about how you are being treated by someone in your life, trust your instincts and explore guidelines that may increase mutual respect in your relationship. Remember that you have the right to feel safe and heard in your relationships and have your needs met. If you need help with creating, implementing, and maintaining boundaries, a qualified professional therapist will be able to help. 

With Elite Love, 

Phyllis